Ever notice that some music artists suck? Sure you have. Ever thought it would be helpful to label these artists so we could avoid wasting time with them? Of course you have. In an interview with Brian Forest, Scott G explains how these worthless performers should all be lumped into a new genre of music that he calls “nada.”

BF: Didn’t you try inventing a new genre of music once before?

G-MAN: Yes. It was called “Grin Groove” music, just like the title of my first album.

BF: Didn’t that upset a lot of people?

G-MAN: You bet it did. And a lot more people are going to be angry at this new categorization.

BF: So, what do you call this new genre?

G-MAN: Nada.

BF: “Nada”? As in “nothing”?

G-MAN: You got it.

BF: Whose music are you saying is Nada?

G-MAN: Michael Bolton.

BF: Oh, right.

G-MAN: And Mannheim Steamroller.

BF: Well, sure…

G-MAN: And the guy who stole my name, Kenny G.

BF: Yes, but. . .

G-MAN: And every singer who doesn’t actually sing.

BF: Okay, these people you’re mentioning are worthless artistically, yes, but they’re not in any one style of music.

G-MAN: They are now. Nada Music.

BF: You’ll never make this work as a description. And it’s a bit insulting to a large segment of the population, don’t you agree?

G-MAN: Sure.

BF: And you don’t mind insulting them?

G-MAN: Not at all. Besides, I’m really just insulting them back.

BF: You mean they insulted you first by supporting those artists?

G-MAN: Exactly.

BF: I think you should live and let live.

G-MAN: You’re probably right, but unfortunately I need a column with a certain amount of controversy and this is what I came up with.

BF: Okay, how do you define Nada artists and Nada groups?

G-MAN: They make music for people who hate music.

BF: What?

G-MAN: There are people in the world who lack the capacity to relate to music that has soul, passion, excitement, or innovation. In fact, they don’t want any of those things in their lives. We’re talking about people who cannot abide creativity in any form.

BF: So?

G-MAN: So they avoid music. Shun it. Loath it, perhaps.

BF: But they support the artists you mentioned.

G-MAN: Yes, because there is a fundamental need inside every person: the need for rhythm. The human heart craves rhythm. And just like the beating of your heart, you need to experience something rhythmic in your life. Enter a breed of performers who step right up and supply noises that sound somewhat like music. People who play scales instead of melodies. People who shout without feeling. People who gyrate without reason. People who lip-sync. When you encounter people like that, you say they’ve got…

BF: Nothing?

G-MAN: Right. Nada music.

BF: This will never work.

G-MAN: Let’s give it a try. We’ve got nada to lose.

[tags]G-Man, Scott G, Music Critics Must Die, music rants, Michael Bolton, Kenny G, Mannheim Steamroller, nada music[/tags]